


Focus On The Negative

by lovesamillionstories



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Abortion, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Discussion of Abortion, Gen, Kind of dark, Mild Sexual Content, Suicidal Thoughts, Teen Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:07:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25158232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovesamillionstories/pseuds/lovesamillionstories
Summary: Zoe Murphy can not have Evan's baby.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 13





	Focus On The Negative

Zoe Murphy really hates Evan right now. More then she’s hated him in the four weeks since she’s learned the truth about the Connor Project. Because the late period and exhaustion that she’s been experiencing is a sign of her possibly being pregnant. Pregnant with lying, gaslighting Evan Hansen’s baby. She thinks that maybe if she is she’ll just off a bridge. Except she doesn’t think her parents would cope with that at all. Also, she wants to vomit when she thinks about the sympathy that would earn Evan. They would all talk about poor Evan Hasen and the poor Crazy Murphy Siblings. 

The pregnacy test she bought at the nearby seven-eleven sits at the bottom of her desk drawer. She’s sort of scared to take it considering if she has the two-line result then her life is over and even more screwed up then it already is. She’s only sixteen, she can’t have a baby and she espcially can’t have a baby with Evan Hansen. The thought of it makes her want to shot herself. She can’t handle having something that’s half Evan growing inside of her. She doesn’t want a piece of him in her life.

She remembers the sex. They had been in her room, kissing and talking. Then they had started to get a little more intense. His lips on her neck, her’s on his jaw. He had pulled off her shirt and then she had pulled off his. He seemed so much less nervous on the bed with her than he usually did. He had strange confidence that had strangely excited her. When he pulled off her bra all logical thought had disappeared. She had unbuttoned her jeans as he tugged off his khakis, then he had pulled off his boxers. Her panties ended up on the floor as well. It had been passionate even if it was a little awkward because neither of them really knew what to do. She was so stupid for letting it happen without a condom. She had just gotten so caught up in the heat of everything that it just happened. She didn’t even think of condoms. All she could think about was Evan’s body under her’s. They had had condoms in the room in case this happened and she assumed, of course, Evan would use them. But he didn’t.

She takes the pregnancy test out of the drawer. She stares at it for about twenty minutes and then puts it back in. She doesn’t feel ready to have her world crash down on her. She knows it could be negative. It was only once. People miss periods for lots of reasons and are tired for lots of reasons. Stress makes people miss periods and she’s never been so stressed out in her life. Finding out your boyfriend is a lying horrible gaslighting asshole causes a huge amount of stress. Having to reevaluate your feelings about your dead brother for a second time is draining and has lead to several meltdowns in the shower. She could be not pregnant or she could be pregnant and even if not knowing is horrible it’s better then knowing that she is pregnant. 

When she takes the test and she sees the two lines she feels numb. She’s pregnant. Zoe does want children but she wants them with someone that she loves and trusts. Thanks to Evan she doesn’t know if trusting the people that she loves is something she can do anymore. If she had this baby it would be born during her senior year. She likely wouldn’t be able to graduate high school and then she couldn’t go to music school. She would be a mother before she turns eighteen and never really get a chance to explore who she is. The baby would take up a lot of her time as a young single mother. She wouldn’t be able to do the things she wants to do with her life with a baby. If she let the pregnacy continue she would end up with a child that’s half, Evan. It could end up looking like him. She doesn’t how she would handle a child that looks like Evan Hansen. Even seeing him in the hall at school makes her feel a horrible feeling that she can’t quite explain. She doesn’t know how she would handle seeing his face in a child. It wouldn’t stop her from loving the baby but she doesn’t know how she could get up every day and look her child in the eye when it would be Evan’s eyes looking back at her.

Zoe’s heard that a lot of people feel attached to the baby as soon as they realize they’re pregnant. Zoe doesn’t. She could have a baby in about seven months but right now there isn’t a baby. She doesn’t want this baby at all and she doesn’t think she can make herself want this baby. She has two choices, abortion or adoption. If she puts it up for adoption she still would have to be pregnant. She would become Zoe Murphy the girl with the brother who killed himself and had a baby she got rid of. She doesn’t want to be that person. If she got an abortion it would be over and done with. She wouldn’t have to deal with anything else once it was done  
.  
She tries to make a pros and cons list but she really can’t think of pros to keeping the pregnancy. None of them would benefit her. She’s realized that if she gives birth then Evan will have rights. She doesn’t want any child to have Evan as a father. Maybe one day he could be a good father but not without a lot of therapy. She doesn’t want to be pregnant.

She doesn’t need parental consent for the abortion. So she tells her parents she’s going to a friend’s house. Really she goes to planned parenthood for the appointment she made. She’s only about seven weeks along so it’s not a very complicated procedure. Afterward, she feels sore, groggy, and incredibly relieved. It’s over, this mess is over and she’s not pregnant anymore. She doesn’t regret it. She does wonder a little what her life would be like but as she heals from what Evan did she realizes that it wouldn’t be a good life for her. She never would have been able to let go of Evan if she had kept the pregnacy. 

The next spring she gets accepted to Julliard. Something that’s been her dream for years. A few months before the end of the school year she reaches a short of closure with Evan. She wonders if that will change how she feels about her abortion. It doesn’t change a thing.

**Author's Note:**

> I know someone is going to kill me for this. Good for you, if you're antichoice then go away.


End file.
